some good ideas -- and most bad ones -- the concept for MadHaiku
occurred one night during a slow dance with a bottle of jack.
was where I stored all that drunken magnetic refrigerator
poetry I'd written -- or constructed, since I didn't actually
"write" it in the traditional sense of pen and paper. somewhere
along the way, though, it became this thing right here.
"There she blows!--there she blows! A hump
like a snow-hill! It is Moby Dick!"
being a translation of the lugubrious novel by the Bearded
One, published in 1851, which has since become the bane of
all who open it unawares, particularly those dull & disinterested
students of American Lit. Avast, ye may consider changing
majors to something more suitable to the circumference of
your cerebellum, or lack thereof, such as phys. ed. or the
industrial arts, before thee perish in the belly of the Leviathan
like Jonah! Yet, despite all perishable & incomplete readings,
the story of the Great White Whale be well known to one &
To serious scholars of Melville, and what scholar of the
Bearded One is not serious, who may consider this rendering
frivilous & perchance sacreligious, I say unto thee: Wait
till the translation of the Bible into Haiku!
Call me Ishmael
a white boy from Nantucket
I'm not really gay
At some seamen's inn
I make a friend named Queequeg
his harpoon is big!
Down among the docks
we enlist on the Pequod
what a dumb-ass name
We load the boat down
with a year's worth of supplies
but forget the life vests
Ahab the captain
looks a lot like Abe Lincoln
but walks with a limp
Starbuck is first mate
but unlike Ahab he's nice
his coffee is great!
Whaling can be fun
lounging on the sun-drenched deck
ogling the cabin boy
My buddy Queequeg
has visions of disaster
That dude's a downer!
Of all God's creatures
sperm whales are the grandest
next to mermaids, I mean
Ahab spies the Dick
bearing down on the Pequod
"Harpoon his big ass!"
The dopes in the boats
do naught but piss off the whale!
They're in Heaven now
Ahab and Moby
are locked in mortal combat!
I bet on the whale
Ahab, mad captain
dives in to the briney froth
and comes up fish bait
Like an atom bomb
the Fiendish Fish sinks the ship
all perish save one ...
Alone in the sea
adrift on Queequeg's coffin
I need a new gig!