A
Million Things (You May Not Know About Me)
999,003.
I stopped strapping a watch to my wrist some years
ago, under the pretense that I'm no longer into time.
But that's just self-delusion. The truth is I'm pathologically
punctual. So much so that I'll show up early somewhere,
sometimes 20, 30 minutes early.
999,902.
What I really want to know right now is why all
the screws in the bathroom are getting unscrewed.
Is it a poltergeist? Because if there's one thing
I really hate it's a ghost with a set of tools.
999,901.
My wife likes to say, "Power tools are empowering,"
like she's doing a home improvement show on Oprah
or an informercial for some product like Shamwow.
999,900.
The first power tool she bought was a Black &
Decker power drill. "Why do we need a drill?"
I asked. "Because," she said, "you
never know when you'll need one."
999,899.
Sure enough, one day I found the need. I charged
up the battery pack and slammed it into the handle
of the drill. I was ready for some drilling. "Where
are the drill bits?" I asked. "The what?"
she said. "The drill bits," I said. "You
know, the shit you stick in the drill so you can
drill shit?" She frowned. "The lady at
the store didn't say anything about drill bits."
999,898.
Women, sheesh. Since I wasn't about to go out and
buy drill bits to drill two crappy little holes,
I put the drill back in its box, where it was never
taken out of again.
999,897.
Long story short, my wife bought another drill,
this one from QVC. "Uh, why do we need another
drill?" I asked. "Because," she said,
"this one has all sorts of neat attachments,
like a sander and a saw thing-y." "Yeah,"
I sneered, "but does it have drill bits?"
"Oh yeah," she said with a knowing smirk,
"I made sure of that."
999,896.
In the summer of 2004, I set out on my BIG adventure.
I was going to bicycle across the United States,
starting from the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco
to Yorktown in Virginia 3,783 miles away. I would
stop to visit friends along the way. Hell, I would
make new friends.
999,895.
For a year I studied and planned and trained in
the heat and the rain. I made sure I avoided bad
karma by doing small acts of kindness. You never
know.
999,894.
The day of the ride I was fit and ready -- mentally
and physically. The weather was beautiful. Five
miles into the ride I came to a long, steep hill.
I took that climb no sweat. This was going to be
easier than I thought.
Haul
ass up mountains
To cavort where eagles dare
Damn, I need a beer!
999,893.
About 15 miles into the ride, as I was casually
spinning down a gentle incline, doing 20 maybe 22
mph, the front wheel began to wobble uncontrollably.
That's the shittiest feeling in the world. The instant
I realized I was going to crash I did.
999,892.
As crashes go, it wasn't all that spectacular. I
laid the bike down on the right side, partially
dislocating my right shoulder and accumulating a
fair amount of road rash. I might have continued
on, but the rear wheel was damaged and so was the
irreplaceable quick-release skewer attached to the
trailer.
999,891.
My theory is that the weight I was hauling behind
me, coupled with the pitch of the slope and the
speed of the bike created a little lift up front
-- just enough to cause the wobble. Fuck, done in
by physics. I doubt I will ever suffer a bigger
disappointment the rest of my life.
999,890.
Maybe you're wondering how I got into this whole
haiku thing. It started one night after I bought
one of those magnetic words kit. Sipping Jack Daniels
and staring at the refrigerator, it just started
coming out.
if
the is of was
were not have been but could be
then I am not me.
999,889. I'm proudest of that one.
999,888.
amuirin at Stop
& Wander sent out a survey not long
ago asking her readers for their top five favorite
songs. I forget now exactly what I listed, but it
went something like this:
1.
Tell Me by Groove Theory
2. Rock Steady by The Whispers
3. Shy That Way by Tristan Prettyman & Jason
Mraz
4. Fall in Love with Me by Earth, Wind & Fire
5. Suavecito by Malo
999,887.
Yeah, I'm a sap for happy music.
999,886.
My favorite movie quote: Richard Harris playing
the sardonic, volatile bomb guy Fallon in Juggernaut.
"I may be stupid but I'm not bloody stupid."
(Have I said this already? I don't know, it's hard
to keep track when you're trying to do a million
of these.)
999,885.
Thanks to Suanie at As
Suanie Sees It, I get a lot of hits from
Malaysia and Singapore. There's a vibrant blog world
over there, and they even speak English! You should
check it out lah.
999,884.
I hate it when a trailer for a movie is better than
the movie. You know, how they use the best scenes
in the trailer, then you go see the movie and realize
that those were the only scenes worth watching?
999,883.
I check my sitemeter stats regularly, some might
say obsessively. I bet I'm not the only one who
does that heh.
999,882.
If I had to make a prediction, I would predict that
I won't be able to do a million of these damn things.
Be happy for that.
Posted
09.03.09|
» MyLifeIsAverage
-- Normal people kinda doing normal things. For
example: "Today I discovered that a spider
had built a web between two cans of bug spray in
my garage. I felt that his courage and grasp on
irony had earned him the right to inhabit my garage
in peace."
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